Badgering the Single: A Recipe for Annoyance

Want to learn how to annoy the living heck out of your single co-workers and friends? It's actually quite simple:

1. Continually badger them with unsolicited advice and offers of consolation. Never mind the fact that you're in your twenties and are already married or almost-married to someone you first met before you could legally drink a beer -- just put on some rose-tinted glasses and hearken back to your imaginary 'macking' glory days and remind said single friends about 'how easy it is...really,' with a special brand of condescension that's absent any true self-awareness.

2. Continually annoy them every time you're out in public by poking them in the ribs and making a scene every time an attractive member of the opposite sex walks by. Remember, you must be unyielding in exercising your power to annoy. You must somehow find a way to do this even when the comments are totally inappropriate and/or un-called for. Never mind that your single friend(s) may be enjoying whatever other activity is going on, and never mind the futility of pointing out the mere presence of a complete stranger walking in the opposite direction 50 meters away. Pausing to consider either factor would be to shirk your sacred duty.

3. Yap away at will, but be sure to turn off your 'I'm listening' button every time one of your single friends opens his/her mouth. Be really over-aggressive and fidgety every time you go out by constantly saying "We're totally going to find you someone," but be sure to remain unresponsive when you hear back, "...But I'm just here to have a good time." Readily offer all your 'theories' -- both original and borrowed -- to show your complete mastery of the social sphere (remember, you may not be 'book smart' but you sure are 'street smart.') However, should you pause the verbal oscillations long enough to take a breath, be sure to ignore whatever comes back to you, especially if it's of the nature "Hey, man, just relax, I'm looking to.." or "I'm hoping to find x via y..." etc.

Just remember, when all else fails, just throw equal parts 'overbearing' and 'condescending' into the mix while sprinkling on your 'original folk wisdom' as appropriate for flavoring. Baste in a lemon-based sauce for tartness and add a dash of paprika before serving.

Bon appetit!